Close to two years ago, my family was affected by suicide. It carries such shame for a family that no one talks about it. No one seeks help for the pain caused. It’s always the pink elephant in the room that everyone knows happened, but no one is willing to talk about. Why is that? Why are we so ashamed of another’s choices and decisions? Why are we so ashamed of the pain someone else was in? Why are we so ashamed of mental illness?
Not talking about it, not seeking help to deal with it, only causes the cycle of illness, shame, and sadness to continue.
When the death happened, lots of other things died too. Smiles died. Marriages died. Families died. The zest for life as we thought we knew it died. The only thing left in its wake is the pieces. The broken hearts. The broken relationships. The families who onced loved so deep they aren’t even spending quality time together now. The angry out burts. Those pieces were not there before, or perhaps not a big as they are now. What would you do? Would you just step over the pieces and sweep them under the rug? Or would you pick them up and do something about it?
The pain the family member felt didn’t go away when they chose suicide. It only multiplied. It was gone in the person, but found in the surviving family members. Many of these people don’t want to seek help. I am not sure why. Maybe they feel it hinders their pride. Maybe they feel like they don’t need it. We all do on some level. Anyone affected by this needs help. Help may not be in the form of a thearpist. Help may be in the form of something else. Continuing to live life not seeking help, sweeping things under the rug, will kill you too. You can only run from your demons for so long before they start to catch up with you. Stop taking your pain out on someone else and start living true to your soul.
Am I getting help you ask? Yes I am. I have to. I have to put the pieces back together for Danger. I have to be strong enough for an entire army for her. Some days, I am not going to lie. I just want to sink myself in bed and cry myself into another day. The doesn’t help anyone. That plays right into the shame I am fighting every day to beat.
She didn’t deserve to have her world torn down because of this. She doesn’t deserve to live in a house filled with depression, anger, sadness, and shame. She deserves more. She deserves happiness. She deserves to beat the cycle of shame and sadness.
So today, on what would have been his birthday, the best birthday present you could give him is to pick up your pieces and move forward. Seek help in whatever form you see fits you best. He would want us to do that. To beat this game that brought him down. Until you realize that, you are losing the battle just like he did.